Finally: The Schmoigerman Dynasty Traced to Post Destruction Sdom!

BS"D

Sdom. Sodom. With its twin city of Amorah (Gomorrah), the very paragon of cruelty and immorality. It is here, amidst the pillars of salt, that the Schmoigerman family tree grew from its first rather seedy seed, a purveyor of salted meat named Azaz-el.

After the destruction of the twin cities, this reprobate saw a great business opportunity. He made deals with local shepherds for aging or dying sheep, slaughtered them with a primitive saw, and sold their skins at absurdly high prices. It must be understood that post destruction Sdom was much like the present post nuclear accident Chernobyl region of the Former Soviet Union, namely an abandoned no-go zone.

But our Azaz-el would turn it into a tourist attraction for those Sodomites who would have been destroyed had they indeed lived at the right address at the right time. While Sdom may have been destroyed, Sodomism, defined as giving in to every perverse urge of the yetzer horo, was alive and well and will be alive and well as long as there are sociopaths in this world, which is as long as we are in Golus (and of course the present Schmoigerman, Rabbi Dovid Azazel, who indeed has been proven to have degenerated from the wasted seed of the original Azaz-el, wishes to see the Golus become a permanent state so that he can continue to walk in the ways of his salty ancestor who both purveyed and spoke with a salty tongue).

Azaz-el's Deli was indeed a place where not only salty flesh, but also the saltier pleasures of the flesh, were openly traded and sold at prices far above even that of his not quite as daring competitors. After all, the mayors of Sdom and Amorah had been turned into pillars of salt, so now this pillar of Sodomite morality was free to proffer the delicacies of Sdom, not beholden to any taxes or regulations that were meant to support the famous Merkaz haChessed of Sdom in which the guests were made to fit their beds by any means necessary.

However, Azaz-el was not a cruel man and he did not have any desire to reopen the Merkaz HaChessed. His idea of Sodomism (not to be confused with sodomy) was just the pursual of pure profit with little regard to the value of his merchandise. His motto was: "I sell merchandise that no one dares return to customers who are forced to return time and time again!"

That is because Azaz-el pioneered the concept of time payment, in which the customer, usually defined nowadays as a mark, was able to obtain merchandise with a down payment and reasonable weekly payments. This in and of itself is not in any way dishonest, unless it is practiced in Azaz-el fashion in which the down payment is equal to about twice the price of the merchandise and the weekly payments continue forever, with additional down payments and time payments added on as more merchandise is obtained.

This was how Azaz-el sold his famous Sodom Salt Cured Pastrami as well as his timeshare vacation packages, and it was this practice that led his store to be nicknamed "Schmuger's Deli." The nickname was confirmed by the famous Creedmoorer chossid and amateur archaeologist Shmeel Schmutzgriber, who found a petrified block of salt marked with the words: "Achsaniya Azaz-el, al pi masoret Sdom, hanikra Beit haDelikates d'Schmuger" and which appeared to be a menu that indeed listed weekly payments for very large takeout orders of "nevela lemehadrin min hamehadrin".

Shmuger is an acronym for Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach. And after many permutations and migrations, from the suburbs of Sodom via Szarkonosvary, Hungary and ultimately to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Queens, it became the most derided and deplorable surname of Schmoigerman.

Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach

BS"D

A day before the departure of the hyliger Admou"r meCreedmoor for his winter Beis Medrash on Pluto, a rather unusual dedication ceremony was held in the Creedmoor Beis Medrash and Food Stamp Redemption Center.

It was the dedication of a glass case which held a small stone inscribed with the words "David ben Azazel. Shoiteh, Menivel veGasRuach."

That stone, which was professionally weathered so that it appeared to date back to about two centuries before the Churban Bayis Sheini, marks the oldest known record of the Schmoigerman family. Found by a Balestinian shepherd in a Brooklyn warehouse slated for arson, it was presented to the Admou"r by the Arab American Council for the Promotion of Islamic Terror, in appreciation for the Admou"r having provided 150 quintillion voters for the ultimately successful Obama campaign.

Unlike most Schmoigerman artifacts, this small bit of stone was independently verified as indeed being of the vintage claimed, and it is indeed the seal of Dovid ben Azazel, the Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach, the Bernard Madoff, Solomon D-er and Yisroel Dovid Weiss of his time, all rolled into one rather corpulent package.

Whether the name of the father of this first Schmoiger-man was indeed Azazel cannot be confirmed. More likely, the epithet ben Azazel meant that Dovid was either possessed by or as evil as Azazel. Alternately, given the nature of our first Reb Dovid, it is very possible that he took this epithet as one of pride, claiming that he was a demon in human form and charging large sums of money to various merchants in order to protect them from - himself.

This second explanation is very plausible, as protection rackets were among the stock in trade of the brigands of this epoch of decay. While Ben Drusoy may have been better known as a purveyor of food which had to be reheated, Dovid ben Azazel was also not a small player in the kosher food market of ancient Judea.

This is known because of yet another Shoteh, Menuval veGas Ruach stone, this one advertising the notorious "Pat d'Kokosh," or "Pita d'Kokosha," a vile and unhealthy confection that was sold by dishonest food merchants like Dovid to unsuspecting marks who arrived in Yerushalayim tired and hungry after a long journey after which they intended to bring a korban in the Beis haMikdash.

However, those unfortunate olei regel who ended up at "Dovid's Take-Out and Catering" never made it to bring a korban, and were lucky they were not sacrificed to Moloch. That is because "Pat d'Kokosh" was an intoxicating and stupefying concoction, similar to certain cakes and pastries which are legal only in Amsterdam. Once an unsuspecting mark ate a piece or two of "Pat d'Kokosh," that was proffered as a free sample by Dovid or his ezer neged kulam Yochana Tzoah, he would fall asleep, right in the street in front of the little shop. Then, Dovid or his son Bulvan would drag him into the shop, rob him, and load him into a wagon which he drove to Gai ben Hinnom, where he would unceremoniously deposit his victim, who was often left naked as well as devoid of his possessions. Once naked, he became prey for Bulvan's younger brother Naval, who ran a tznius patrol that would spray him with salt water and vinegar because he was improperly dressed.

In fact, many of the merchants who shared market space with this reprobate were sure they could trace his ancestry back even further, to Sdoim, but as all records of that great center of chessed are now found only in the Ahava cosmetics which the present Schmoigerman so nobly boycotts due to their Zionist origins, it is impossible to verify whether the Schmoigerman dynasty really began in Sdoim or Amorah for that matter.

Certainly, though, Dovid ben Azazel, who was either deemed by the Beis Din or by his contemporaries as "Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach," walked firmly in the ways of Sdoim even if he was not of Sodomite origin.