Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach

BS"D

A day before the departure of the hyliger Admou"r meCreedmoor for his winter Beis Medrash on Pluto, a rather unusual dedication ceremony was held in the Creedmoor Beis Medrash and Food Stamp Redemption Center.

It was the dedication of a glass case which held a small stone inscribed with the words "David ben Azazel. Shoiteh, Menivel veGasRuach."

That stone, which was professionally weathered so that it appeared to date back to about two centuries before the Churban Bayis Sheini, marks the oldest known record of the Schmoigerman family. Found by a Balestinian shepherd in a Brooklyn warehouse slated for arson, it was presented to the Admou"r by the Arab American Council for the Promotion of Islamic Terror, in appreciation for the Admou"r having provided 150 quintillion voters for the ultimately successful Obama campaign.

Unlike most Schmoigerman artifacts, this small bit of stone was independently verified as indeed being of the vintage claimed, and it is indeed the seal of Dovid ben Azazel, the Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach, the Bernard Madoff, Solomon D-er and Yisroel Dovid Weiss of his time, all rolled into one rather corpulent package.

Whether the name of the father of this first Schmoiger-man was indeed Azazel cannot be confirmed. More likely, the epithet ben Azazel meant that Dovid was either possessed by or as evil as Azazel. Alternately, given the nature of our first Reb Dovid, it is very possible that he took this epithet as one of pride, claiming that he was a demon in human form and charging large sums of money to various merchants in order to protect them from - himself.

This second explanation is very plausible, as protection rackets were among the stock in trade of the brigands of this epoch of decay. While Ben Drusoy may have been better known as a purveyor of food which had to be reheated, Dovid ben Azazel was also not a small player in the kosher food market of ancient Judea.

This is known because of yet another Shoteh, Menuval veGas Ruach stone, this one advertising the notorious "Pat d'Kokosh," or "Pita d'Kokosha," a vile and unhealthy confection that was sold by dishonest food merchants like Dovid to unsuspecting marks who arrived in Yerushalayim tired and hungry after a long journey after which they intended to bring a korban in the Beis haMikdash.

However, those unfortunate olei regel who ended up at "Dovid's Take-Out and Catering" never made it to bring a korban, and were lucky they were not sacrificed to Moloch. That is because "Pat d'Kokosh" was an intoxicating and stupefying concoction, similar to certain cakes and pastries which are legal only in Amsterdam. Once an unsuspecting mark ate a piece or two of "Pat d'Kokosh," that was proffered as a free sample by Dovid or his ezer neged kulam Yochana Tzoah, he would fall asleep, right in the street in front of the little shop. Then, Dovid or his son Bulvan would drag him into the shop, rob him, and load him into a wagon which he drove to Gai ben Hinnom, where he would unceremoniously deposit his victim, who was often left naked as well as devoid of his possessions. Once naked, he became prey for Bulvan's younger brother Naval, who ran a tznius patrol that would spray him with salt water and vinegar because he was improperly dressed.

In fact, many of the merchants who shared market space with this reprobate were sure they could trace his ancestry back even further, to Sdoim, but as all records of that great center of chessed are now found only in the Ahava cosmetics which the present Schmoigerman so nobly boycotts due to their Zionist origins, it is impossible to verify whether the Schmoigerman dynasty really began in Sdoim or Amorah for that matter.

Certainly, though, Dovid ben Azazel, who was either deemed by the Beis Din or by his contemporaries as "Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach," walked firmly in the ways of Sdoim even if he was not of Sodomite origin.