Sunday, 7 February 2010

Finally: The Schmoigerman Dynasty Traced to Post Destruction Sdom!


Sdom. Sodom. With its twin city of Amorah (Gomorrah), the very paragon of cruelty and immorality. It is here, amidst the pillars of salt, that the Schmoigerman family tree grew from its first rather seedy seed, a purveyor of salted meat named Azaz-el.

After the destruction of the twin cities, this reprobate saw a great business opportunity. He made deals with local shepherds for aging or dying sheep, slaughtered them with a primitive saw, and sold their skins at absurdly high prices. It must be understood that post destruction Sdom was much like the present post nuclear accident Chernobyl region of the Former Soviet Union, namely an abandoned no-go zone.

But our Azaz-el would turn it into a tourist attraction for those Sodomites who would have been destroyed had they indeed lived at the right address at the right time. While Sdom may have been destroyed, Sodomism, defined as giving in to every perverse urge of the yetzer horo, was alive and well and will be alive and well as long as there are sociopaths in this world, which is as long as we are in Golus (and of course the present Schmoigerman, Rabbi Dovid Azazel, who indeed has been proven to have degenerated from the wasted seed of the original Azaz-el, wishes to see the Golus become a permanent state so that he can continue to walk in the ways of his salty ancestor who both purveyed and spoke with a salty tongue).

Azaz-el's Deli was indeed a place where not only salty flesh, but also the saltier pleasures of the flesh, were openly traded and sold at prices far above even that of his not quite as daring competitors. After all, the mayors of Sdom and Amorah had been turned into pillars of salt, so now this pillar of Sodomite morality was free to proffer the delicacies of Sdom, not beholden to any taxes or regulations that were meant to support the famous Merkaz haChessed of Sdom in which the guests were made to fit their beds by any means necessary.

However, Azaz-el was not a cruel man and he did not have any desire to reopen the Merkaz HaChessed. His idea of Sodomism (not to be confused with sodomy) was just the pursual of pure profit with little regard to the value of his merchandise. His motto was: "I sell merchandise that no one dares return to customers who are forced to return time and time again!"

That is because Azaz-el pioneered the concept of time payment, in which the customer, usually defined nowadays as a mark, was able to obtain merchandise with a down payment and reasonable weekly payments. This in and of itself is not in any way dishonest, unless it is practiced in Azaz-el fashion in which the down payment is equal to about twice the price of the merchandise and the weekly payments continue forever, with additional down payments and time payments added on as more merchandise is obtained.

This was how Azaz-el sold his famous Sodom Salt Cured Pastrami as well as his timeshare vacation packages, and it was this practice that led his store to be nicknamed "Schmuger's Deli." The nickname was confirmed by the famous Creedmoorer chossid and amateur archaeologist Shmeel Schmutzgriber, who found a petrified block of salt marked with the words: "Achsaniya Azaz-el, al pi masoret Sdom, hanikra Beit haDelikates d'Schmuger" and which appeared to be a menu that indeed listed weekly payments for very large takeout orders of "nevela lemehadrin min hamehadrin".

Shmuger is an acronym for Shoiteh, Menuval veGas Ruach. And after many permutations and migrations, from the suburbs of Sodom via Szarkonosvary, Hungary and ultimately to Creedmoor Psychiatric Center in Queens, it became the most derided and deplorable surname of Schmoigerman.

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